New Year, New Epic Fails & Epic Moments

Hey There Again Everyone...

Well it's a new year and with that comes new experiences and for me new epic failures...I know, I know. It's really hard to believe that after only 2 days into the new year I have already managed to fail at something....ok, so maybe it's not.. ;-)

Anyway...let me fill you in on my situation...While at work on New Year's Eve I got a text from a guy friend of mine asking if I had plans..Since I was working that night I obviously couldn't meet him to ring in the New Year...

Before I continue this story let me give you some background on this "guy friend" first....We met for the first time on a blind date through mutual friends. He is a city boy, raised in a way that I am definitely not used to...I am...well..I am me..Awkward, random, slightly A.D.D (self-diagnosed of course) raised in a tiny one red-light town back country bumpkin me...So maybe I'm not that bad, but I feel like I am compared to him. Don't misunderstand me, he has never ever made me feel inferior or like I was stupid or "country" in anyway..It is all me. Our first encounter was probably the best one for me. The date was perfect, we talked, laughed and never had any moments of awkward silence. It was the best night...From then on, they slowly declined. I seriously feel like this guy has never truly seen me at my best which is probably why I am so down about the events that took place yesterday.

Okay..so now you know some of the background of our friendship. Let me get onto my epic failure that happened with him yesterday... =) So..I couldn't ring in the New Year, but I did get an invite to go skiing..Remember the description I gave of myself earlier on?? lol! I've never ever in my whole life been skiing EVER! However, I know that he loved it more than anything so I kind of felt like he was testing me in a way to see if maybe we would at least fit together that way. Because the more we get to know each other, the more opposite we are. So me trying to be brave and try new things in the New Year decided that skiing was on my bucket list and that I was going to let him teach me. (because he said he would be happy to.) We get to the ski lodge and of course I'm mentally freaking out..haha! I managed to get in the skis and apparently did a good enough job learning the basics that he had me go on the ski lift to the top of one of the runs..This is where it gets bad..I fall on my butt right in front of the ski lift and cause a huge pile up of people..The worker had to pull me up, which was mortifying!! =/ Then we get around to the top of the slope and it's HUGE! Well, to me it was huge and there were a lot of trees and tons of people..I have a major fear of hitting trees. All out panic has mentally set in at this point and the very real fact that there is no other way to get down this thing except literally to go down it..I tried to start out slow and did pretty good; then I picked up speed heard the wind whipping by and I completely lost it! I suddenly forgot everything he taught me and I was stuck flying down a hill on fiberglass strips on my feet...This is when I fell the second time and it hurt! Then I couldn't get up and that was mortifying again!! Long story short I ended up falling once more and completely lost my nerve. I couldn't bring myself to even attempt to go fast again and I'm pretty sure I ended up disappointing him a great deal because I didn't want to go on anymore runs...but he was a total gentleman about it and never said a single negative thing to me...which made it all the more worse for me..

I ended up sending him off to go enjoy himself on more runs while I wandered around and people-watched all of the other talented people on the slopes including the kids that were maybe 3 and skiing or snowboarding circles around me.. =) We made it home, but I could tell I had disappointed him in some way..he was a lot quieter on the way home and just different..even though he never openly said anything. If it isn't totally obvious by now I am totally into this friend of mine and I honestly can't tell what he thinks of me..He is the most confusing person I have ever met and that I have to admit only adds to why I like him.

So that is my fail for the New Year. It's not the worse thing ever and I know that, but I can't help but be frustrated at myself for letting him down and most importantly letting myself down. I am proud that I went and I know for my first time it wasn't completely bad..but I can't help feel crappy about it all.. =/ Which is why I am venting my frustrations on here...

*sigh* I guess I am just going to have to deal with the possibility that he finds me to be a complete idiot and one of the strangest people ever..Even if that's the case, he must like me if he keeps wanting to spend time with me..I don't know..The whole this is an enigma...

Until Next Time.
XOXO,
Julia

Life--As I Know It

Hello Again Cyber world!!

It has been a long time since I last posted and my life has once again changed drastically..thankfully it has all been good changes, ones that have started me on the true path of adulthood..lol! ;-)

Not long after my last post about giving up a 40 hour a week job..I was given the opportunity to interview for a position in my hometown..It was also a full-time position, but since it was a 2nd shift job it gave me a 15 cent raise over the job I turned down..I applied, interviewed & was offered the job which I happily accepted..

So my dark days turned light again and I discovered that following my heart and never straying from what I know and believe will always win out over the pressures to do what is expected of me..I have also started paying my student loan bills..I'm not paying them off quickly, but I am paying them on time which is a triumph to me..I hope to be able to pay them off sooner than expected, but I know it won't happen right away, so I just keep going a little at a time..

So far so good..my life hasn't turned out exactly as I had planned, but when does it ever?? If everything in life happened the way we wanted then it would be very very boring..I am slowly learning to enjoy not just the little things, but everything..because no matter what they are, the good things or the bad things, they each play a crucial role in making us who we are as individuals! Without one or the other we wouldn't become fully rounded individuals we would just be robots or worse, zombies! ;-) lol!

Long rant short, I am happy & ready to take on this newest phase in my life..looking back on the choices I made I couldn't be happier because without them I wouldn't have ended up where I am today..all in all, life is good.. =D

Until next time,
XOXO,
Julia

Making Mistakes

I'm back great cyber world! =)

My life troubles haven't changed that much since I last blogged in December. The biggest difference is that I quit my part time job and managed to get an interview for my first "big girl" job...Long story short, I got the job and then the morning of my first day I got such a gut-wrenching bad feeling that I started and literally couldn't stop crying all day long.

I have never felt such a powerful feeling like that...Sure, I've had that warning before, it's that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you're doing something wrong or something you know you really shouldn't do but you do it anyway and then of course you regret it...but this feeling was 1 million times stronger than that...It was so powerful I was literally terrified of something completely unknown and unseen...Even after I called and told my newest boss that I wouldn't be coming in and that I had just "changed my mind" I still felt that feeling..

I think it took my body awhile to realize that I had listened to the warning it had been giving, because once I made the call I was able to calm down some, but then I had to deal with the emotions of making the choice I had. I knew no one would understand why I did what I did, but isn't that the way life goes? You make a decision that best suits your life and then the majority of your friends and family stand there shaking their heads at you wondering why the hell you made that choice? My family and friends are convinced that I made a mistake and that I will ultimately come to regret my decision, but I honestly disagree. If this was something so right for me, then why was every single fiber of my being telling me that it was wrong? No, it was MORE than wrong...

I will be the first one to admit that this was a golden opportunity. It was the first 40+ hours a week job I had been offered, and it would have been an amazing chance to gain some real world experience. But no matter how fantastic the opportunity or how great the prize was I simply couldn't ignore that gut feeling, I couldn't ignore what my instincts were telling me. So now, like I said, I am dealing with the repercussions of my choices...My family doesn't understand and I am so sick of having to explain myself that I just want to hide in a closet.. =) (within reason of course! lol!)

So I've come to the new thought that our instincts/gut feelings that we each and all get at different points has a language that only we as individuals can understand. It is something that no matter how we try to explain it to others, the explanation simply gets lost in translation. It is an issue that can easily develop into a problem for some of our relationships and friendships, but just like when we struggle to understand someone visiting from another country, a little compassion, empathy and patience can help to bridge the gap, even if we don't always fully grasp the meaning...

Until Next Time.

XOXO,
Julia

Inner Turmoil

It's me again...I'm back to riddle the cyber world with more of my ranting.. =) (you know you've missed me!) ;-)

Anyway, as I lie in on one of my closest friends couches unable to sleep, I find myself thinking about my life. I am currently working at a part-time job that I hate more than anything and yet I am unable to quit because I know my family would blame me for doing so.

I feel uncertain about everything I do except for my family and friends. They are the only thing that makes sense in my life and yet they are the ones I feel like I can't talk to at all! I hate all of these strange paradoxes that keep me up at night. (they give me headaches too) I can't help but wonder where I'll be in a few short months with my life and where I will end up by this time next year. I must confess that my original plan of living my life uncertain of where things will end up is actually starting to scare me for the first time ever. I feel like I am just stuck, dangling in mid-air, going absolutely no where.

While I am afraid I know this is the only way to do things and that trying to control my life will only cause me more heartache in the end. I just wish I could let it go instead of stewing over things. But that is unfortunately who I am, I am a worrier and I can't stop that for whatever reason.

I am now going to stop my foolish ranting and attempt to get some sleep...(I doubt I will get much, but it is worth a try!) As for the rest of it...Wish me luck! I'm going to need it!

Until Next Time.

XOXO,
Julia

One of My Favorites

I am in a very weird mood today...maybe it's from all the stupidity that is surrounding me right now...I don't know...I thought the uncertainity of the world would do me some good, that it would somehow make me stronger and more understanding of things than I used to be when I was a control freak that had to have everything figured out...I was wrong...I just makes me feel like the world is slipping out from under my feet, like I am a puppet on strings just dangling in mid-air with no place to go. I desperately want someone to cut my strings, but I know if and when that happens, I will fall and then who will be there to catch me? Through all of this inner turmoil I find solace in my one true passion, literature...One of my favorite poems and my hope for a better tomorrow is Frank O'Hara's "Having a Coke with You." For those of you who are movie buffs, you may have run across this incredible poem in the brand new film "Beastly." Either way, you should really add it to your life, because it does the soul a lot of good...So, here it is... I hope you like it as much as I do. =)

HAVING A COKE WITH YOU

is even more fun than going to San Sebastian, Irún, Hendaye, Biarritz, Bayonne
or being sick to my stomach on the Travesera de Gracia in Barcelona
partly because in your orange shirt you look like a better happier St. Sebastian
partly because of my love for you, partly because of your love for yoghurt
partly because of the fluorescent orange tulips around the birches
partly because of the secrecy our smiles take on before people and statuary
it is hard to believe when I'm with you that there can be anything as still
as solemn as unpleasantly definitive as statuary when right in front of it
in the warm New York 4 o'clock light we are drifting back and forth
between each other like a tree breathing through its spectacles

and the portrait show seems to have no faces in it at all, just paint
you suddenly wonder why in the world anyone ever did them

I look
at you and I would rather look at you than all the portraits in the world
except possibly for the Polish Rider occasionally and anyway it's in the Frick
which thank heavens you haven't gone to yet so we can go together the first time
and the fact that you move so beautifully more or less takes care of Futurism
just as at home I never think of the Nude Descending a Staircase or
at a rehearsal a single drawing of Leonardo or Michelangelo that used to wow me
and what good does all the research of the Impressionists do them
when they never got the right person to stand near the tree when the sun sank
or for that matter Marino Marini when he didn't pick the rider as carefully
as the horse

it seems they were all cheated of some marvelous experience
which is not going to go wasted on me which is why I am telling you about it

—Frank O'Hara

That is such a beautiful poem and right now I am trying my best to remember that my life doesn't end or begin at 24..I choose when I want to truly start living; my body can be alive and functioning without there truly being an ounce of life inside, just like someone who feels close to physical death can truly feel the most alive only then...I don't want to waste my time dwelling on all the wrong things, but I must confess it is difficult not to...Until I can figure out what I am doing I guess I'm stuck with taking things one step at a time...What more could I do??

Until Next Time..
XOXO,
Julia

Only Speak When Spoken To

I'm at it again...Finally made it back home from vacation and I am happy to say there really is "no place like home.." at least for me anyway.. =)

I had a surprise text and phone call from a certain "special guy" while driving home...I have to admit that I was shocked and then happy to hear from him after what seemed like an eternity of playing silent treatment with him...Unfortunately, we had an awesome night talking on the phone and even making "plans" to go on a date..it seemed like a magical night when I hung up the phone, and that feeling continued on until the next day when reality burst the bubble and he started acting the exact same way he always does.. =S to that the only comeback I have is "MEN" ugh!!

Now, I'm playing this game of "I won't speak until I am spoken to" and i have to admit that i hate it 100%

What I've Learned....

It's me again!! I am posting again tonight in order to provide the cyber-world a taste of what I have learned about myself for today..

I've learned that I tend to overwhelm myself very easily by over thinking and then dwelling on every single detail...This action results in the direct reaction of my body freaking out as well causing me to randomly want to bawl my eyes out or just plain curl up in a dark place and hide for the rest of the day or week. lol!

While I am the only single gal left amongst my friends in our small little town, I am perfectly okay with it for now..After spending only 2 days in a row with an awesome 4 month old that makes my heart melt every time he laughs or smiles at me, it has occurred to me that I have things in my life that I want to do and experience before I take on the challenge that being a parent is...My friends may believe/be prepared for that already, but from where I sit in my single and fabulous, only 24 years old chair, the work of college is over and down with and the world is an open invitation for some adventures! I have dreams, goals and desires that all end with me one day having and loving my beautiful family, but before I can ever think of being "momma" I have to first be me!! =D

The last thing that I have learned is that I have a deep and overwhelming attachment to my family, and it is going to take the deepest love and strongest act of God to get me to ever move away and leave them...I would be perfectly content for that to never happen, but if it did or had to, then I wouldn't be able to do it for anyone else than the man that I loved more than anything else...It would also take a great deal of trust in God to get me through it as well...

Well, that is enough self-discovery for one day...Let's hope tomorrow is just as interesting with less tears in the morning!! lol! (I couldn't stop myself from crying like an idiot for absolutely no good reason what so ever! it was mortifying!!)

Until Tomorrow.
XOXO,
Julia