One of My Favorites

I am in a very weird mood today...maybe it's from all the stupidity that is surrounding me right now...I don't know...I thought the uncertainity of the world would do me some good, that it would somehow make me stronger and more understanding of things than I used to be when I was a control freak that had to have everything figured out...I was wrong...I just makes me feel like the world is slipping out from under my feet, like I am a puppet on strings just dangling in mid-air with no place to go. I desperately want someone to cut my strings, but I know if and when that happens, I will fall and then who will be there to catch me? Through all of this inner turmoil I find solace in my one true passion, literature...One of my favorite poems and my hope for a better tomorrow is Frank O'Hara's "Having a Coke with You." For those of you who are movie buffs, you may have run across this incredible poem in the brand new film "Beastly." Either way, you should really add it to your life, because it does the soul a lot of good...So, here it is... I hope you like it as much as I do. =)

HAVING A COKE WITH YOU

is even more fun than going to San Sebastian, Irún, Hendaye, Biarritz, Bayonne
or being sick to my stomach on the Travesera de Gracia in Barcelona
partly because in your orange shirt you look like a better happier St. Sebastian
partly because of my love for you, partly because of your love for yoghurt
partly because of the fluorescent orange tulips around the birches
partly because of the secrecy our smiles take on before people and statuary
it is hard to believe when I'm with you that there can be anything as still
as solemn as unpleasantly definitive as statuary when right in front of it
in the warm New York 4 o'clock light we are drifting back and forth
between each other like a tree breathing through its spectacles

and the portrait show seems to have no faces in it at all, just paint
you suddenly wonder why in the world anyone ever did them

I look
at you and I would rather look at you than all the portraits in the world
except possibly for the Polish Rider occasionally and anyway it's in the Frick
which thank heavens you haven't gone to yet so we can go together the first time
and the fact that you move so beautifully more or less takes care of Futurism
just as at home I never think of the Nude Descending a Staircase or
at a rehearsal a single drawing of Leonardo or Michelangelo that used to wow me
and what good does all the research of the Impressionists do them
when they never got the right person to stand near the tree when the sun sank
or for that matter Marino Marini when he didn't pick the rider as carefully
as the horse

it seems they were all cheated of some marvelous experience
which is not going to go wasted on me which is why I am telling you about it

—Frank O'Hara

That is such a beautiful poem and right now I am trying my best to remember that my life doesn't end or begin at 24..I choose when I want to truly start living; my body can be alive and functioning without there truly being an ounce of life inside, just like someone who feels close to physical death can truly feel the most alive only then...I don't want to waste my time dwelling on all the wrong things, but I must confess it is difficult not to...Until I can figure out what I am doing I guess I'm stuck with taking things one step at a time...What more could I do??

Until Next Time..
XOXO,
Julia

Only Speak When Spoken To

I'm at it again...Finally made it back home from vacation and I am happy to say there really is "no place like home.." at least for me anyway.. =)

I had a surprise text and phone call from a certain "special guy" while driving home...I have to admit that I was shocked and then happy to hear from him after what seemed like an eternity of playing silent treatment with him...Unfortunately, we had an awesome night talking on the phone and even making "plans" to go on a date..it seemed like a magical night when I hung up the phone, and that feeling continued on until the next day when reality burst the bubble and he started acting the exact same way he always does.. =S to that the only comeback I have is "MEN" ugh!!

Now, I'm playing this game of "I won't speak until I am spoken to" and i have to admit that i hate it 100%

What I've Learned....

It's me again!! I am posting again tonight in order to provide the cyber-world a taste of what I have learned about myself for today..

I've learned that I tend to overwhelm myself very easily by over thinking and then dwelling on every single detail...This action results in the direct reaction of my body freaking out as well causing me to randomly want to bawl my eyes out or just plain curl up in a dark place and hide for the rest of the day or week. lol!

While I am the only single gal left amongst my friends in our small little town, I am perfectly okay with it for now..After spending only 2 days in a row with an awesome 4 month old that makes my heart melt every time he laughs or smiles at me, it has occurred to me that I have things in my life that I want to do and experience before I take on the challenge that being a parent is...My friends may believe/be prepared for that already, but from where I sit in my single and fabulous, only 24 years old chair, the work of college is over and down with and the world is an open invitation for some adventures! I have dreams, goals and desires that all end with me one day having and loving my beautiful family, but before I can ever think of being "momma" I have to first be me!! =D

The last thing that I have learned is that I have a deep and overwhelming attachment to my family, and it is going to take the deepest love and strongest act of God to get me to ever move away and leave them...I would be perfectly content for that to never happen, but if it did or had to, then I wouldn't be able to do it for anyone else than the man that I loved more than anything else...It would also take a great deal of trust in God to get me through it as well...

Well, that is enough self-discovery for one day...Let's hope tomorrow is just as interesting with less tears in the morning!! lol! (I couldn't stop myself from crying like an idiot for absolutely no good reason what so ever! it was mortifying!!)

Until Tomorrow.
XOXO,
Julia

Finding My Fit

Hello fellow bloggers,

I am writing to you from stormy Georgia this evening...I am spending a long weekend and a first time vacation with a friend here...there is just one strange thing, I am totally and completely uncomfortable! =S

This should come as no surprise to me, I am always uncomfortable in strange/unknown places, the thing that bothers me the most tonight is my irrational desire to cry because of that "out of place" feeling...Everyone is friendly and very inviting, but there is still something lacking in everything I say and do around them...I'm absolutely terrified that I am going to put my foot in my mouth and embarass myself in front of my generous hosts and my friend! Never in my life has a vacation been so stressful...

I really wish I knew why I only wanted to cry at the drop of the hat every time I take a minute to think about home...I am losing my marbles it feels like.. BLAH!! If I don't get over this soon I am going to be very unhappy!! lol! (as if I'm not already, duh.. hence the tears!!) oh well, I guess I am going to have to eventually embrace the fact that I am not a normal human being and that I have always been and will always be a freak of nature for the rest of my life! hahaha! I have suddenly realized in my exhausted state why I haven't been successful in my search for Mr. Right, I am a freak of nature, therefore, nobody is interested! hahaha!! I guess I'll just have to find someone equally freaky! ;-)

Well, this is going to be goodnight for now.. I am uber tired!

Sweet dreams everyone!

XOXO,
Julia