Inner Turmoil

It's me again...I'm back to riddle the cyber world with more of my ranting.. =) (you know you've missed me!) ;-)

Anyway, as I lie in on one of my closest friends couches unable to sleep, I find myself thinking about my life. I am currently working at a part-time job that I hate more than anything and yet I am unable to quit because I know my family would blame me for doing so.

I feel uncertain about everything I do except for my family and friends. They are the only thing that makes sense in my life and yet they are the ones I feel like I can't talk to at all! I hate all of these strange paradoxes that keep me up at night. (they give me headaches too) I can't help but wonder where I'll be in a few short months with my life and where I will end up by this time next year. I must confess that my original plan of living my life uncertain of where things will end up is actually starting to scare me for the first time ever. I feel like I am just stuck, dangling in mid-air, going absolutely no where.

While I am afraid I know this is the only way to do things and that trying to control my life will only cause me more heartache in the end. I just wish I could let it go instead of stewing over things. But that is unfortunately who I am, I am a worrier and I can't stop that for whatever reason.

I am now going to stop my foolish ranting and attempt to get some sleep...(I doubt I will get much, but it is worth a try!) As for the rest of it...Wish me luck! I'm going to need it!

Until Next Time.

XOXO,
Julia

One of My Favorites

I am in a very weird mood today...maybe it's from all the stupidity that is surrounding me right now...I don't know...I thought the uncertainity of the world would do me some good, that it would somehow make me stronger and more understanding of things than I used to be when I was a control freak that had to have everything figured out...I was wrong...I just makes me feel like the world is slipping out from under my feet, like I am a puppet on strings just dangling in mid-air with no place to go. I desperately want someone to cut my strings, but I know if and when that happens, I will fall and then who will be there to catch me? Through all of this inner turmoil I find solace in my one true passion, literature...One of my favorite poems and my hope for a better tomorrow is Frank O'Hara's "Having a Coke with You." For those of you who are movie buffs, you may have run across this incredible poem in the brand new film "Beastly." Either way, you should really add it to your life, because it does the soul a lot of good...So, here it is... I hope you like it as much as I do. =)

HAVING A COKE WITH YOU

is even more fun than going to San Sebastian, Irún, Hendaye, Biarritz, Bayonne
or being sick to my stomach on the Travesera de Gracia in Barcelona
partly because in your orange shirt you look like a better happier St. Sebastian
partly because of my love for you, partly because of your love for yoghurt
partly because of the fluorescent orange tulips around the birches
partly because of the secrecy our smiles take on before people and statuary
it is hard to believe when I'm with you that there can be anything as still
as solemn as unpleasantly definitive as statuary when right in front of it
in the warm New York 4 o'clock light we are drifting back and forth
between each other like a tree breathing through its spectacles

and the portrait show seems to have no faces in it at all, just paint
you suddenly wonder why in the world anyone ever did them

I look
at you and I would rather look at you than all the portraits in the world
except possibly for the Polish Rider occasionally and anyway it's in the Frick
which thank heavens you haven't gone to yet so we can go together the first time
and the fact that you move so beautifully more or less takes care of Futurism
just as at home I never think of the Nude Descending a Staircase or
at a rehearsal a single drawing of Leonardo or Michelangelo that used to wow me
and what good does all the research of the Impressionists do them
when they never got the right person to stand near the tree when the sun sank
or for that matter Marino Marini when he didn't pick the rider as carefully
as the horse

it seems they were all cheated of some marvelous experience
which is not going to go wasted on me which is why I am telling you about it

—Frank O'Hara

That is such a beautiful poem and right now I am trying my best to remember that my life doesn't end or begin at 24..I choose when I want to truly start living; my body can be alive and functioning without there truly being an ounce of life inside, just like someone who feels close to physical death can truly feel the most alive only then...I don't want to waste my time dwelling on all the wrong things, but I must confess it is difficult not to...Until I can figure out what I am doing I guess I'm stuck with taking things one step at a time...What more could I do??

Until Next Time..
XOXO,
Julia

Only Speak When Spoken To

I'm at it again...Finally made it back home from vacation and I am happy to say there really is "no place like home.." at least for me anyway.. =)

I had a surprise text and phone call from a certain "special guy" while driving home...I have to admit that I was shocked and then happy to hear from him after what seemed like an eternity of playing silent treatment with him...Unfortunately, we had an awesome night talking on the phone and even making "plans" to go on a date..it seemed like a magical night when I hung up the phone, and that feeling continued on until the next day when reality burst the bubble and he started acting the exact same way he always does.. =S to that the only comeback I have is "MEN" ugh!!

Now, I'm playing this game of "I won't speak until I am spoken to" and i have to admit that i hate it 100%

What I've Learned....

It's me again!! I am posting again tonight in order to provide the cyber-world a taste of what I have learned about myself for today..

I've learned that I tend to overwhelm myself very easily by over thinking and then dwelling on every single detail...This action results in the direct reaction of my body freaking out as well causing me to randomly want to bawl my eyes out or just plain curl up in a dark place and hide for the rest of the day or week. lol!

While I am the only single gal left amongst my friends in our small little town, I am perfectly okay with it for now..After spending only 2 days in a row with an awesome 4 month old that makes my heart melt every time he laughs or smiles at me, it has occurred to me that I have things in my life that I want to do and experience before I take on the challenge that being a parent is...My friends may believe/be prepared for that already, but from where I sit in my single and fabulous, only 24 years old chair, the work of college is over and down with and the world is an open invitation for some adventures! I have dreams, goals and desires that all end with me one day having and loving my beautiful family, but before I can ever think of being "momma" I have to first be me!! =D

The last thing that I have learned is that I have a deep and overwhelming attachment to my family, and it is going to take the deepest love and strongest act of God to get me to ever move away and leave them...I would be perfectly content for that to never happen, but if it did or had to, then I wouldn't be able to do it for anyone else than the man that I loved more than anything else...It would also take a great deal of trust in God to get me through it as well...

Well, that is enough self-discovery for one day...Let's hope tomorrow is just as interesting with less tears in the morning!! lol! (I couldn't stop myself from crying like an idiot for absolutely no good reason what so ever! it was mortifying!!)

Until Tomorrow.
XOXO,
Julia

Finding My Fit

Hello fellow bloggers,

I am writing to you from stormy Georgia this evening...I am spending a long weekend and a first time vacation with a friend here...there is just one strange thing, I am totally and completely uncomfortable! =S

This should come as no surprise to me, I am always uncomfortable in strange/unknown places, the thing that bothers me the most tonight is my irrational desire to cry because of that "out of place" feeling...Everyone is friendly and very inviting, but there is still something lacking in everything I say and do around them...I'm absolutely terrified that I am going to put my foot in my mouth and embarass myself in front of my generous hosts and my friend! Never in my life has a vacation been so stressful...

I really wish I knew why I only wanted to cry at the drop of the hat every time I take a minute to think about home...I am losing my marbles it feels like.. BLAH!! If I don't get over this soon I am going to be very unhappy!! lol! (as if I'm not already, duh.. hence the tears!!) oh well, I guess I am going to have to eventually embrace the fact that I am not a normal human being and that I have always been and will always be a freak of nature for the rest of my life! hahaha! I have suddenly realized in my exhausted state why I haven't been successful in my search for Mr. Right, I am a freak of nature, therefore, nobody is interested! hahaha!! I guess I'll just have to find someone equally freaky! ;-)

Well, this is going to be goodnight for now.. I am uber tired!

Sweet dreams everyone!

XOXO,
Julia

Keep on Keepin' On...

Hello again,

I am doing the very best that I can to stay busy and not dwell on the fact that my due date for student loans is gradually getting closer and that I still have yet to hear back from any of the "real" jobs that I have applied for...I have to admit that it is a genuine struggle to not let the impending date loom over my head like a giant boulder just waiting to mash me into the ground, but I'm doing the best I can by planning fun events with really good friends. I'm looking forward to the prospect of going to GA with a friend to visit some girlfriends that she has down there, it will be the first real road trip I have ever been on without my family..In fact, aside from youth group trips when I was in high school, this will be the first real trip/vacation I have had since I was 6 or 7 years old...I went to Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg, TN when I was 12, but that was with my family for my brothers 16th birthday so I don't really class that as a vacation.


As of now I'm still struggling with the fact that my life is no different now than it was when I was in high school...I am dying to have freedom with my life and the ability to have my own place, but I'm still realizing that I'm not in that place just yet...I mentioned this the other day, but it is still in the back of my mind...I also mentioned the fact that I don't really have time for a guy in my life, but that isn't really the case either...I tell myself that I don't have the time, when in all reality I just don't have anyone interested in me right now..I can't really blame them, I don't really see myself as much of a catch right now..maybe if I wasn't living at home, without a job I would honestly be more of a catch to someone...oh well, I guess I'll just have to wait for that too...

The idea that I have to wait for everything to come to my life really bites...I find myself dreading being in this place...It reminds me of "the waiting place" in Dr. Suess' "Oh, The Places You'll Go!" The "waiting place" always seemed like the worse place to be, but somehow without even wanting or intending to end up there I have managed to be detoured there anyway...Believe me, you do NOT want to end up here in the "waiting place" it isn't fun at all...However, if you do end up here you may want to see if I'm still here, so look me up..lol! No, honestly if you find yourself in the waiting place like I have, take a little time to feel bad about it, because if you don't you'll never figure out how to get yourself out of this place to begin with..Once you've felt genuinely bad about it, you can then pick yourself back up, dust yourself off and figure out what to do to get out of it...I'm still on that journey, I'm blinded searching for a way out, I'm trying to find the place with "boom-bands" playing, but I haven't gotten there yet.. =) I'll let you know if it works out for me or not..

For now, I'm content to keep on keepin on...or as someone else might put it I'm going to keep on truckin until I find where I'm supposed to be...I have to admit this blog helps, it gives me someone to tell this to..most of you don't know who I am and those of you who do know me don't really care to let me rant and rave...Thanks for that...until next time...

Guess Whose Back!!

Hey all you blog followers out there...I'm back!! =D

I believe it has been awhile since I have written on here. And now I am officially able to write about anything and everything I want to! I am so excited to have the freedom to write about whatever I want to without having to answer to a professor about it..

Tonight the biggest subject I want to talk about is my life after college..As most of you know I graduated in May 2011 and I haven't looked back since..(okay, so maybe I've looked back a couple of times and had a few peeks in my rear view mirror as well..but that's it I promise!) The truth is, life after college hasn't been what I thought it was going to be at all! I've done really well with my job searches, devoting a portion of every single day to searching and applying for jobs..which is really exhausting when there isn't very many jobs to choose from right now..I really don't want to be one of those English majors with those shirts that says, "I'm an English major...Do you want fries with that?" Don't get me wrong, I'm not bashing anyone that works in the fast food industry, I just don't want to prove some of my family members right by going through 5 years of college just to end up with a minimum wage job, making less than they do...trust me I know that they are just trying to make themselves feel better for not going to college, but their words still have weight..

To explain, I have been told that getting a degree and building up all of those student loans was just plain ridiculous because that degree is no guarantee that I will get a job that is better than what other people have who didn't go to college...I am so ready to become the adult that I am supposed to be, I want a place of my own, I want to have my own responsibilities and be able to buy my own groceries and the things that I want...I'm so ready for the next chapter in my life to begin...but it seems like I'm stuck in neutral instead..I get so frustrated with myself for wanting things that seem so unreachable right now, but isn't that what we are supposed to do with our lives? From a young age we are asked repetitively, "what do you want to be when you grow up? where do you see yourself in 5, 10, 15, 20 years? where are you going to go to college? what are you going to do after college? where is your life going?" all of these questions are shoved in our faces the moment we are old enough to answer them, which is basically when we learn to talk! It is no wonder we are so hell-bent to focus on our futures, instead of our present lives..

I have so many feelings welling up inside of me, I feel like I'm going to explode..So this was the only way I knew to prevent that..lol..I'm going to make a change, I'm going to do my best to embrace my life the way it is right now...while I want to have all of those things I mentioned earlier, it is just impossible to have them right now, just like it is impossible for me to have a guy in my life right now..but that is a completely different conversation and blog..for now I'm going to stop ranting and just take some time to readjust...I have to admit that having this blog really helps...I also like knowing that only my close friend knows that it exists..It is comforting to know that she won't think I'm crazy like some people do..

Well I feel better..Thanks for listening to my ranting, and if you didn't make it through to the end, it's okay, I completely understand! lol! =D I really do feel better now..